Time, time, time

See what’s become of me

While I looked around

For my possibilities

I was so hard to please

–Hazy Shade of Winter, The Bangles

Time advances even when it feels like it is standing still. I remind myself of this to keep from feeling suffocated by my own impotence. Powerlessness must be the worst among feelings, save perhaps guilt. Some situations gift us both in the ultimate irony.

What to do when we feel powerless with a side of guilt? Do the next right thing. 

I’ve resorted to taking inspiration from children’s movies. It’s said that inspiration, a primary tool of resiliency, is best sourced from whatever is around you. There is no shortage of children’s programming in my house in recent months. While I’m not sure if it creates resiliency, I believe in the transporting power of a good story. Watching my children’s faces light up when watching a favorite program gives me peace that some sense of normalcy is still with them. 

Thus, there is more screen time in my house than I would like, but I choose my battles carefully, or more accurately, as my energy allows. I realize I am out of energy for many things and wonder if I could sleep for weeks if allowed the quiet. In the meantime, I sleep when I can, and save my energy. I have none left for arguing with my children, with my spouse, with my parents, with my clients, or with random strangers on the internet. 

Parenting is difficult; often the choices are complex. It’s not always obvious what the next right thing is, particularly when all the choices seem fraught with risk.

However, I think you know the right choice when presented with it: it’s the choice that sits well in your gut. 

Science has long established the link between the brain and the gut. Even when we don’t know our own minds, our gut is there to help us along, with butterflies, nausea, or cramping pain if we refuse to listen to more subtle signs.

So, as you try on each choice and imagine it being the reality, the next right thing is the choice that allows you to take a deep breath and believe everything is going to be alright.  It might not be the same choice for your closest friend, or your next-door neighbor, and that’s ok. Choosing the choice that works for you, even if doesn’t for others, may deliver you some peace.

If no choice seems right to you, it’s equally ok to make your own option. My 10-year old business was born from a lack of choices that felt like the next right thing. Choosing to start my own practice seemed like the scariest option of all, but it was the choice that allowed me to imagine a future for myself that looked like a future I wanted. Creating my own option was difficult but the process of creating it ultimately gave me peace and joy.

The choice you select may not be the right choice next year, or even next month, but we can only live in the present, even while planning for an uncertain future. Standing in shifting sands is a talent, and one many of us may not have experience with, but like many things, it becomes familiar over time.

The human capacity for learning, for perseverance, and for survival, even amidst suffering is immense, so much so that I find it amazing. At times of difficulty, when I feel I’m stretching beyond the limit, or balancing on a precarious limb, I often turn to the words of Viktor Frankl. Even though I have never experienced anything remotely close to the horrors he endured, somehow his words hold wisdom for many situations. He choose grace and found dignity in the most impossible of terrible options. I come back to his books again and again for help in whatever challenge I face in life.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. – Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Choose what works for you and hold to that choice, honoring the peace it gives you. Respect your neighbor’s choice and recognize it is not something you can control, even if it has bearing on you. We are reliant on one another, but do not have power over anything really except our own selves. Scary as that may be, it is the way of things. Choose love and acceptance when you can, in whatever way you can. It just may thaw the frozen heart.

The truth – that love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. – Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning