And can you feel the love tonight?
How it’s laid to rest
It’s enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best
There’s a time for everyone if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
There’s a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours
-Tim Rice, The Lion King
Valentine’s Day and President’s Day is upon us, that combined commercial one-two punch of marshmallow hearts and no school. These have never been my favorite holidays, perhaps clouded by disappointments that follow us from adolescence, or maybe it is more the expectations attached to such days to buy flowers and fragrance, and then participate in a frenzy of extraordinary car and mattress deals.
With the start of Lent this week, I recall in 2015 Pope Francis suggested instead of giving up ‘things’ for lent, we should give up indifference towards one another. This was a new and fascinating idea, not just because I’m happy to continue enjoying wine and chocolate, but I do believe people would rather others were more loving every day rather than lavishing gifts on just this one day. But, that is a much bigger promise to make to someone you love, and much harder to uphold.
Recently, over the Christmas holiday, just a week or so into my vacation, as stress started to loosen its binds, I began to see my life and was considering how I could re-tool it just a little, or perhaps re-imagine it all together. I didn’t realize how just thinking about this must already have been noticeable externally as well.
One morning my daughter cocked her head and looked at me quizzically, ‘Mommy, why are you different?’ I wasn’t quite sure what she was getting at. I said, ‘What do you mean Jules? I’m the same as always’. She shook her head, frustrated. No, she said emphatically, ‘Why aren’t you yelling at us?’
I felt stunned as if she had struck me. This was how my beautiful, sensitive little girl saw me. These were the memories her four-year old self was making. Not of a fun, loving mom with hugs and shared smiles, but a frenzied, angry person.
I was in such a daze that I don’t recall what I said in return. I tried to maintain my composure, not wanting her to see how her question had affected me, in case the emotion frightened her. She is often fearful of outbursts of emotion, either angry or sad. I’ll often turn away from the kitchen sink to see her recoiling from a TV commercial, or crying over something sad that happened in a cartoon. I know this will pass, but for now, it is sweet to see. I love the opportunity to gather her up and reassure her it isn’t real. At times, it can be difficult to convince her that Blaze and his friends were not swallowed up in the volcano, and no, there was no orange goo that was going to come after her.
But, her question stuck with me over the next weeks. Even now, my stomach muscles tighten with guilt, frustration, and the fear I feel for the future. Last year, in a moment were I needed some clarity, I stumbled across a website, www.greatday.com. The gentleman who writes these daily posts, Ralph Marston, always seems to know what I need to hear. Today’s post is no exception. It reads you have two choices: you can feel sorry for yourself, or you can let the situation inspire you to take positive action. So, moving forward with positivity it is, but this can be exceptionally difficult to do.
I looked to the world around me for inspiration. Amazed, I saw inspiration seemed to be everywhere; it was all around me. It was in trees topped with snow, their quiet beauty a testament to the universal truth, this too shall pass. There was something comforting in knowing they had long been there, as if they had a secret wisdom to share if I only stopped to listen.
It was in a museum exhibit on quilts, both old and new, their bright colors and patterns a cacophony of light and movement, rather like being in a tropical garden on a winter’s day. Later that night, I wrapped myself in Great Grandma Clara’s quilt. It felt as if imprinted with the shared hopes, dreams, and love of those ancestors whose hands had touched it.
And it was in people around me as well. It was in small children’s delight at a recent playdate scavenger hunt, their bright eyes shining with excitement and triumph as they found the hidden candy hearts. It was in close friends’ stories, as they bravely faced difficult situations with grace and forbearance. They bore their troubles with strength and quiet confidence, like Ann Rand’s Dagny Taggart. They seemed to know they had strength enough to overcome.
Perhaps I did too. I looked back on my memory with Julia in a different way. Maybe shame did not have to be the defining take-away. She would not have made the observation if she didn’t feel things were palpably different.
I reflected on what I had learned. I realized the answers were perhaps simpler than I had assumed. In recent weeks I had written about several themes central to love:
- 聴く Kiku Listening
The Japanese character (Kiku) means “to listen to” with your eyes, your mind, your heart. I recently read an article summarizing a research study on why some relationships survive, while others fail. The researchers found that when partners’ ‘bids’ (suggestions, ideas, or requests) where met with listening, interest, and positive response, partners felt validated and appreciated. Conversely, when they were ignored or rebuffed, partners felt diminished, and over time contempt developed.
- Duchenne Smile
The Duchenne smile is one where the face contracts both voluntarily and involuntarily, a true and genuine smile. When someone smiles at you in this way, you can’t help but want to smile back. Whenever my children smile, they always seem to smile in this way. It must be later in adolescence that we master the sarcastic smile, and then in adulthood, the sadder still, polite smile, one that doesn’t go past your lips.
- Warm Hugs
Maybe Olaf has something important to share with us. Research shows people need at least 8 hugs a day for optimal health. The simple act of hugging has a myriad of benefits for the body and the spirit, reducing stress, improving heart health, and increasing mindfulness. For babies and children, hugs are central to reduce fears, and help them become well-adjusted adults.
So love is more than something felt in your heart; it transcends the internal spirit, overflowing and apparent to the recipient, in sound, sight, and touch.
Ultimately, I listened to what my children had to teach me about love. I recall Michael’s face the first time he tried ice cream at one years old. At first he looked suspiciously at the unfamiliar substance on the spoon and clamped his lips shut, untrusting. I put just a little bit on his lips so he couldn’t help but taste. At first his expression reflected confusion, and then he smiled wide with sheer delight. And he said, ‘mo mo dat.’
I am taking his advice this Valentine’s Day. I look for more, more of that. Joy and inspiration is there for the taking, in everyday situations. It’s all around us. This Valentine’s Day and Lent my hope is to allow myself to feel the love that surrounds. Much like my heirloom quilt, we are all interconnected pieces of a whole, made more durable and beautiful by the threads that bind us together.