Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas, 1914-1953
There are some days when I just want to curl up on the couch with a quilt and a good book. It can be strange how these days can seem to come out of nowhere. One day finishes beautifully, without any significant troubles, and then somehow after the evening’s chaos, I drift off to sleep, and awaken tired and tight, and blue for reasons I don’t understand, as if the sun has suddenly tucked behind a cloud.
On these days, I find myself wanting to do the minimum: only the required meetings on my calendar, and not make progress on the longer-term deliverables. These are the days when my own positive pep talks seem annoying to me, and the view of unmade beds is both depressing and satisfying, in equal measures. But, I know, that if I can turn the pessimism around, being productive will make me feel more accomplished and satisfied.
In these instances, I wonder, is it better to go ahead and take an afternoon for yourself, hoping it will melt the clouds away? Or is it better to push through? Like many things in life, I think the answer is, it depends. It depends on where the funk is coming from.
This time of year I find myself questioning, have many days of dreary weather made me gloomy? If so, acknowledging this can seem to make it better. Sometimes I need reminders to be kind and patient with myself. It’s funny how we can be our own toughest critics, holding ourselves to expectations no one else would.
So, I may need to ask myself, am I truly just tired and worn out? If so, watching a movie, reading a book, or wonder of wonders, taking a quick cat nap, can be restorative. In my favorite Vermont B&B, there is a wall hanging that reads, Time spent in Vermont is never wasted. I like that spending time in a place you love is always quality time. Likewise, perhaps time spent relaxing, or enjoying a hobby, is time well spent.
Other times, when I’m not so sure what’s bothering me, a few hours of R&R is unlikely to break through the clutter. To get back on track, I need to figure out what’s causing it. But like Alice, sometimes ‘I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid…because I’m not myself you see.’
I am truly in awe of people who know their own minds. For me, what’s really going on is just below the level of my consciousness, and I’m not always sure what the trouble is.
Yesterday, I wrapped up my day 30 minutes early, thinking a work out would help to clear my mind.
At about the second cycle of burpee sets, I was thinking, are you kidding me? As my 4 year old is fond of saying, This is not fun for me. After that, I couldn’t think of much of anything, except breathe. And maybe this is the point, the cessation of thinking. At the end, I did feel more alert and limber.
Yet, today, my cloudy funk persisted.
When this happens, I often need to write to identify what’s really going on. Today seems to be one of those days. In doing so, the answer comes.
I suddenly realize, I am overwhelmed with too many things. I’ve been traveling, one multi-day conference, one business trip to Boston, two business trips for my husband to Maryland. We’ve been like ships passing in the night, capped by a long holiday weekend, and a flurry of new work requests at the start of this short work week. Seeing it written out this way, it is abundantly clear. I’m not sure why it was hard to get to the truth.
Strangely, feeling overwhelmed can cause a type of paralysis for me. I’m not sure which of the pressing items on my list to tackle next, so I end up sabotaging valuable time, not doing any of them. Or, I don’t know how to get started with a task. This type of nebulous procrastination too can be destructive, as it confounds my ability to accomplish other things, while my subconscious works out what to do next. In these instances, I need to confront my indecision head on.
And in understanding this, I know how to fix it. I breathe a sigh of relief, ready to get started. Somehow, not knowing why you feel despondent, can be the most unsettling emotion of all. I remind myself of some simple tactics that help me:
- Get started somewhere, anywhere. Pick one item that appeals, and begin.
- Or make a start on a big project. Instead of staring at a blank screen, create a template, or an outline, or pull in some pieces of another similar project that I can work from.
- When faced with unstructured calendar time, I like to remind myself to work the list. Do the next thing on the list, even if it takes 5 minutes to accomplish. Triumphantly check it off, and move to the next.
- Don’t be afraid to re-write the list as needed. If I’m going along well with writing a report, it’s ok to keep going, even if my calendar dings it’s time to work on something else.
- Sometimes, even a new to-do list itemizing more granular steps is helpful. In this way, I can accomplish more mini-goals to get to a resolution of a deliverable.
Resolution, as in music, is pleasing to hear, while sustained dissonance is difficult for the brain to process.
So, today I take myself to B&N during a three hour block on my calendar, determined to finish one of the major deliverables on my list this week. I know once I’m there the quiet buzz of conversation, concentration, and espresso machines humming will spur me into motion.
And with motion, will come energy and light. There’s a time and place for gentle, but we are all the purveyors of our own happiness. The joy that clarity brings may be just a journal entry or a to-do list away.